Brough, You Lose

I know, I know, many of you are expecting a discourse on the death of Osama Bin Laden. I’m sorry, Chris. But I’ve spent the whole day reading and hearing about the bastard, and for now I could really care less. Give me a few days to watch and listen, and you’ll get my take.

What I really wanted to discuss today was Brough. Most folks know about Brough. Probably because you hear about it in my Facebook statuses.

Brough is the armpit of the world.

Okay, that may be a little harsh. Sometimes, Brough isn’t all that bad. It’s got Old Faithful in pizza and sweet and sour (although most often a bit too sweet) chicken. It’s got good desserts. It’s got Clark. But today, Brough broke the rules big time.

You should never use sauce on barbecue chicken. That’s the golden rule of the culinary world. And tonight, Brough took that rule behind the barn and touched it in its no-no places. Mercilessly. Everyone knows that dry seasoning is the best for chicken. Ask my dad about that one. But Brough decided tonight that they could take regular chicken quarters, cook them to a salmonella-loving 130 degrees Fahrenheit in a microwave, and then smother them in greasy brown juice. Bam, barbecue chicken. It may or may not have been the worst thing I’ve ever eaten. If you’d like to confirm that one, go ask the janitor that cleans the 3rd floor bathroom in Old Main. He’ll never be the same again, his family said.

From now on, here’s the rule. You’re chicken can only be saucy if you can guarantee that it tastes good. Case in point: Buffalo Wild Wings. That chicken is delicious. So delicious, in fact, that when I’m done eating and my hands are covered in Parmesan Garlic sauce, I’m okay with that. I might even be enthused by it; P-G Part II is running through my head.

But when Brough dips its chicken in toilet sludge and expects us to eat it with our hands, they cross the line. Not only to they turn our mouths and gastrointestinal tracts into Chernobyl (or Fukushima if you’d like), they force us to go wash our hands rather than lick the stuff off. That’s just cruel.